Daily Skimm

@amberfillerup, @ballerinafarm, @louisepentland — chances are, whether or not you’re a mom, you’ve probably come across some of these momfluencers on IG or TikTok. And if you’ve ever been curious about these seemingly picture-perfect moms, with their equally picture-perfect kids and houses, you’re not alone. Sara Petersen, mother of three and author of the new book “Momfluenced,” has spent nearly a decade studying their rise. Here’s what she had to say about the standards momfluencers create. And why those standards exist in the first place…

Q: How did the momfluencer industry become what it is today?

Early on, there were “mommy bloggers.” And their blogs were rooted in personal essays that were often frank, snarky, profane — full of details that really unpacked the less rosy sides of mothering. Heather Armstrong [who, earlier this week, died by suicide] was one of them. She wrote openly about mental health struggles related to motherhood. So these early renditions of momfluencers were instrumental in starting conversations that might not have been so mainstream prior to that ... When everybody moved to Instagram, things became much more image-focused, because the platform is about aesthetics and communicating certain values through certain aesthetics ... Now, there’s sponsored content and affiliate links ... I spoke to an expert who connects momfluencers with brands, and she described moms as the holy grail of consumer categories, because you can sell a mom almost anything if it is directly or indirectly tied to her fitness as a mother.

Q: Why do people find momfluencers so captivating? 

Just like there’s no one-size-fits-all momfluencer, there’s not one universal reason people follow them. Mothers in this country are woefully unsupported systemically. They are expected to do everything and know everything about mothering — even if we really have no practical experience. And we’re expected to thrive as mothers: We’re expected to do hours of unpaid labor with a smile on our face because we’re supposed to love motherhood if we’re “good mothers.” That’s a difficult identity to contend with. I don’t know any mother who’s transitioned to motherhood without some sort of existential crisis. So much is expected of mothers and so little is given to enable them to succeed. It makes sense then that we’re all trying to find a better way to mother. And since we’re always on social media, we’re bound to find a momfluencer who speaks to our insecurities in some way. 

Q: There seems to be a growing number of relatable moms on social media. Is that a sign momfluencing is on the way out? 

I think there’ll always be money for someone who looks a certain way, has certain resources, and communicates certain ideals about motherhood. But I do think there’s a growing faction that’s tired of these narratives and wants to disrupt them. Especially now that more of us have the language to name our burnout. We know it’s not our individual failings that’s making our lives difficult. It’s the fact we don’t have universal paid family leave. It’s the fact we can’t afford or find childcare. It’s the fact we still do the majority of domestic work and carry most of the mental load … So perusing these picture-perfect accounts that don’t contextualize a mom’s real life in 2023 stops being fun. 

Q: Many moms know what they’re seeing on social media isn’t realistic. Yet, they still feel guilt when their own lives don’t mirror what they see. What’s your advice?

Of course you’re feeling ashamed and insecure. Because through every step of bringing a child into the world and raising that child, mothers are both revered for doing the “hardest job in the world” and blamed for failing to meet expectations … We’re trained to see ourselves as deficient if we’re not succeeding at all times. One thing I found particularly freeing is digging into where these ideals of American motherhood come from — and most are rooted in racism, classism, and ableism … It’s empowering to know these ideals are not natural by any stretch. They were created by white men attempting to get free labor and uphold their own power. Also, we can all opt out of many facets of modern motherhood, like holiday cards. You don’t have to do that.