Forget Buckingham Palace — the real crown jewel of family drama right now is coming from the House of Beckham. Rumors of a major Beckham Family Feud™ have been swirling for months, but tension officially boiled over after David Beckham’s 50th birthday bash, where everyone from Tom Cruise to Eva Longoria popped champagne in the soccer star’s honor. Everyone except Eldest Boy Brooklyn Peltz Beckham and Nicola Peltz Beckham, who were conspicuously MIA. The infamous couple (who could forget that wedding drama?) offered zero explanation and instead, left an even longer trail of suspiciously timed snubs. We enter into evidence: Their noticeable absences at Posh Spice’s 51st birthday (naturally, they were busy at Coachella), Victoria’s Fashion Week show, and the annual family trip to Canada. Then came a cryptic flower delivery that required an actual clarification, a flurry of eyebrow-raising Instagram comments, and Nicola’s Mother’s Day tribute — which left out Victoria entirely.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get more awkward than Victoria claiming she grew up middle class, it turns out, the Beckham brothers are also feuding. The Hot Sauce Connoisseur himself, Brooklyn, is reportedly not on speaking terms with his younger brother Romeo — who’s now dating…Brooklyn’s ex. And while neither brother has spoken publicly, their baby bro Cruz seemed to throw shade at Brooklyn and Nicola, posting, of all things, a 2001 Victoria Beckham deep cut on his Stories. But instead of taking the drama offline and into the family group chat (where it belongs), it seems like Brooklyn and Nicola are seeking shelter in Montecito with the patron saints of Family Estrangement, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Can’t imagine what they discussed.