You Can Now Make Hallmark Movies Your Entire Personality

This Week

Christmastime All Year

Actor Jonathan Bennett has a theory: “There are two kinds of people in the world: people who watch Hallmark movies, and then there are liars.”

Bennett is a history-making member of the Hallmark movie, having starred in the channel’s first Christmas movie featuring a hay couple and now one of the most popular faces of the network. Bennett cracked his joke about the nation’s craven Hallmark obsession while at the Television Critics Association press tour, speaking to journalists and critics alongside network executives and some of its biggest stars: Lacey Chabert, Ashley Williams, Luke Macfarlane, Tyler Hynes, and more.

Each was promoting new shows and movies, but as a collective, they were there to usher in what, after a day of learning about where the brand is heading, I’ve decided to refer to as The Complete and Total Hallmark Takeover of Your Life and Personality.

That might sound hyperbolic. (Brace yourself: It’s not.) It might, to many, sound heavenly. You may be one of the hordes of people who gleefully skip to their couch when the annual Countdown to Christmas begins in the fall, setting up permanent residence there until Santa returns to the North Pole months later. Get ready for that experience to surge into overdrive, and soon. As Lisa Hamilton Daly, executive vice president of programming, told reporters, September is “basically Christmastime at Hallmark.” And so much Christmas is coming.

There will be 40 *new* holiday movies rolled out this season, as well as a Christmas-set series with a massive ensemble, Holidaze. For the first time, Hallmark is diving into the reality TV space, unofficially in a direct effort to appeal to me, specifically. The suite of series wisely employs the aforementioned network stars as hosts.

Home Is Where the Heart Is capitalizes on Macfarlane’s skill as a woodworker to do heartwarming home renovations. Small Town Setup will be hosted by Williams, who serves as a matchmaker attempting to craft Hallmark-style romances in real life. Celebrations With Lacey Chabert will throw surprise parties honoring people making a positive impact in their communities, hosted by…well, Lacey Chabert. Bennett and Melissa Peterman will reign over Finding Mr. Christmas, a talent search for the next “Hallmark Hunk” to star in a new holiday movie. (I’ve interviewed the three finalists. Related: I now have three very intense new crushes.)

And as if Hallmark didn’t have enough of a stranglehold on the mainstream Americana demographic, it’s partnering with the NFL and the Kansas City Chiefs for a holiday romance, currently shooting, inspired by Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, called Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story. “I have not had a direct conversation, but he is a huge fan of the brand,” Lara Krug, the Chiefs’ vice president and chief marketing officer, told me, smiling mischievously. (The answer as to whether any members of the Kelce family or Chiefs stars like Patrick Mahomes will cameo was, essentially, a wink.)

A programming spree is just part one of the diabolical assault of heartwarmingness. Hallmark announced Thursday that it is launching a standalone streaming service, Hallmark+. Yep, another one to subscribe to!. Hallmark+ will not only house the channel’s content and new original programming, but will, as one exec said, put a “gamified lens” on the content-watching experience. Subscribers can earn rewards like coupons to Hallmark Gold Crown stores, free greeting cards and gifts, and exclusive access to the brand’s live experiences. (Did you know that there is a Hallmark-themed cruise? Or that there’s a Hallmark fan convention in Kansas City?)

As Annie Howell, Hallmark’s chief communications officer, said, the brand’s goal is to “create a space where everyone can live the Hallmark lifestyle.”

If you’re someone like me, who, after spending hours receiving all of this information, might think, “Am I being initiated into a cult?,” then you might also have had my instinct to try to garner an understanding of what it is about this programming and these people that is so irresistible that so many people are ready and willing to give themselves over to that lifestyle.

There’s one easy answer: The brand’s earnestness is, at the hellish time we’re living through, an appealing fantasy to retreat to and pretend is real, even if fleetingly. The attraction of the cynicism- and conniving-free network’s reality TV gambit is that “there isn’t anywhere else to go for really nice unscripted TV,” David Stephanou, Hallmark’s head of unscripted, said.

The stars themselves radiated some sort of mystical joyous energy throughout the day that, frankly, I’m not used to receiving—and, at this point in life, am perhaps physically and emotionally incapable to receive. The executives and the actors are all self-aware and humorous about the brand’s wholesome reputation and its fans’ gonzo level of enthusiasm. Peterman had me in stitches when, following a runaway train of fawning over Chabert’s kindness and talent, she quipped, “Every time Lacey Chabert sneezes, a kitten is born.”

They handled questions about their history of not portraying diversity in its casting and storytelling with pride about the recent push to aggressively rectify that. (“We’re looking for the next Hallmark holiday hunk, and I’m a Hallmark holiday hunk, and I’m pretty friggin’ gay,” Bennett said, laughing, about the network’s plans for inclusive casting.) The reaction to any mention of or question about conservative rival network Great American Family was to channel Mariah Carey: Basically, “We don’t know her.”

At one point on Thursday, a colleague-who-shall-not-be-named and I were doing the 2024 journalists’ equivalent of being the cool kids smoking outside the high school gym: bitchily DM-ing each other on Slack. “Are there actually people who are this fucking happy?” she wrote.

I’ve seen it on the flesh, and even my jaded-ass self can admit they really are. And now, apparently, starting in September for an $80 yearly subscription, plus the cost of booking a cruise and the several months of PTO required to actually watch all of this content, you can be this fucking happy, too.

Advertisement

If You Can, Go See ‘Oh, Mary!’

It’s an easy route to sell stories about pop culture in 2024. Did you happen to like something? It’s a masterpiece! Roughly five movies and nine TV shows end up being called the best of the year. Histrionics and hyperbole garner interest, and I don’t feel bad about it because, at the end of the day, we’re drawing attention to great things at a time when there are so many things that excellence can get lost.

I can’t imagine anyone in New York ignoring the excellence of Oh, Mary! It just opened this week. (Read the Beast’s Tim Teeman’s review, heartily endorsed by me, here.)

I still laugh about the day Tim and I were leaving to go to the press preview, and our brilliant colleague Michael Daly asked where we were going. I prefaced the explanation with, “This will sound ridiculous, but it’s the best thing in New York right now…” before explaining the whole Oh, Mary! thing: A cult-favorite comedian wrote and stars in a play about Mary Todd Lincoln, who in this version was a former cabaret star desperate to circumvent her possibly gay husband (President Abe) and return to the stage.

“‘This sounds ridiculous’ is how every brilliant thing is made,” Daly said.

There’s something remarkable about Oh, Mary!, which both stars and is written by Cole Escola. It’s sharp and so tightly written and directed, yet it’s also the epitome of chaotic, loose live theater. The show is unabashedly queer, but also, in a way that only makes sense when you see it, not a play that is siloed in a way that only LGBT+ audiences will find it funny. Alongside Titatinque, which is still one of off-Broadway’s hottest tickets, it’s proving that quote-unquote “gay humor” actually translates across communities and generations.

No matter who you are, you will find Oh, Mary! so damned funny.

There are so many twists in the show that it would ruin your experience watching it if I went any further into what it’s about. But for a glimpse at the sense of humor, just watch writer and star Escola’s opening night speech:

That’s All…to this Sequel Idea

Listen, do we want there to be a Devil Wears Prada sequel? Hell yes. We’re pummeled with endless installments of nonsense superhero franchises, but our Avengers are Miranda, Emily, Andy, and Nigel. Who is the true villain? Thanos has nothing on the Prada discourse.

Yet there was an addendum to the announcement that original screenwriter Aline Brosh-McKenna and the original cast might return to Runway that has given the movie’s passionate fans pause: It’s, um, a bit…too real.

Apparently, the sequel’s plot sees Miranda reckoning with a new digital media industry in which advertisers for print are drying up. Emily is now working for a luxury brand that could be the key to Runway strutting out of its financial jam.

People have been bemoaning the discomfort—and lack of fabulousness—we could be in for if a Prada sequel seizes the realism of today’s media landscape (Editor’s note: It’s not great!) instead of the escapist glamor of a Miranda Priestly presiding over high fashion. I, for one, never want to see Miranda Priestly on a Zoom call, or using Slack.

We’ve Been Robbed

Everyone has their answer for a TV show that ended too soon, and we’re all collectively to blame for it. I didn’t watch your favorite series that was unjustly canceled. And in return, no matter how much I pleaded in this newsletter, you didn’t tune in to the thing I said was great.

That truth doesn’t make you miss the show you loved any less. And it doesn’t stop you from wondering what future seasons might have been liked.

I feel this way about Schmigadoon!, one of the cleverest and most ambitious series I’ve seen in years, and one that married my great loves: smart TV comedy, and musical theater.

The show hasn’t been renewed for a third season, which is a huge bummer. Season 1 parodied Golden Age musicals like Oklahoma! and Sound of Music, while Season 2 brilliantly skewered, in remarkable tandem, the ’60s and ’70s rise of Stephen Sondheim musicals and game-changers like Cabaret and A Chorus Line.

But creator Cinco Paul recently shared what his plans were for a Season 3, if the show was able to move into the ’80s, and now I feel robbed. If you watched Schmigadoon!, you know that creating a series in this era of musical theater would have been amazing to parody. And if you haven’t watched Schmigadoon!, Seasons 1 and 2 are on Apple TV+, and both Kristin Chenoweth and Jane Krakowski should have Emmys for their work on it.

Stunt Casting Strikes Again

I will admit that Kim Kardashian was remarkably good in the most recent series of American Horror Story: Delicate. Like, legitimately good. She’s a surprisingly impressive actress. That said, did I see her name in a casting announcement for a Ryan Murphy series alongside Halle Berry and Glenn Close and think, “Oh, dear…?”

Yes, but let’s not forget, Cher was heckled at the premiere of Silkwood. People still think Madonna is a bad actress, even though A League of Their Own, Desperately Seeking Susan, and Evita are right there to disprove the argument. Let’s root for Kim to be good. What’s the alternative? We all pay attention to a new series because she’s in it, and she bombs? I prefer to root for her to be amazing.

A Compelling Advertisement

I wasn’t a big fan of fragrances. Suddenly I’m incredibly invested.

More From The Daily Beast’s Obsessed

Farming for Love is reviving the messy gay dating show. Read more.

National Anthem: The western that Kevin Costner probably wishes he made. (Now in theaters)

Longlegs: Nicolas Cage at his horror-movie best. (Now in theaters)

Sunny: A robot that can help with loneliness is one of the first times I’ve been excited about AI. (Now on Apple TV+)

Sausage Party: Foodtopia: Turns out it’s possible for a murderous, orgy-loving talking hot dog voice by Seth Rogen to outstay its welcome. (Now on Prime Video)

Divorce in Black: It’s a low bar, but this might be Tyler Perry’s worst movie yet. (Now on Prime Video)

Advertisement

Was this email forwarded to you? Sign up here.